Downtown Diary

[this is satire]

Dear Rocky: It is obvious to me that you do not respect our beloved leader and commander-in-chief George W. Bush. You should be ashamed of yourself! People like you are terrorists, because you oppose the man who fights valiantly against the terrorists! Go to hell, cat!
Sonny, McCordsville

Dear Sonny: My dear man, you are either a fool or a tool.
Rocky

Dear Rocky: I just moved here from Chicago and have noticed that there is almost no public transportation. How am I supposed to get around?
Antonio, Indianapolis

Dear Antonio: It is my understanding that the Mayor’s Office has endorsed privately-owned oxcarts as a money-saving alternative to public transportation in its “Blueprint to Achieve Buslessness.” There is currently an ox shortage in the city, so the “Blueprint” suggests hitchhiking or crawling as interim measures. If you plan to crawl on all fours, the Mayor’s Office asks that you use the sidewalk instead of the street to ensure the safety of SUV drivers.
Rocky

Dear Rocky: Why do you hate me?
Bart-tron 2K3, Indianapolis

Dear Bart-tron: Because you and your class are engaged in the systematic pillaging of the city of Indianapolis. Sorry to be so blunt, old boy. I know that your feelings get hurt when you’re confronted by reality. Time for one of your empty gestures, I guess!
Rocky

Dear Rocky: You are supposed to be a film fan, but you never mention Passion of the Christ. You are supposed to be a book lover, but yet you never mention the greatest book ever, the Bible. In short, you are a heathenistical Communist pinko atheistic-type anarchist Beelzebub-lover who should not have a public forum to express your views.
Cynthia, Beech Grove

Dear Cynthia: Flattery will get you nowhere, my dear woman.
Rocky

Dear Rocky: It seems to me that you have gradually taken over my Downtown Diary column. What’s up with that?
J. Williams, Indianapolis

Dear J. Williams: J. Williams ... J. Williams ... hmmm, I’m sorry, that name does not ring a bell. Oh, now I remember you — my housemate, the loser. Mr. Loser, I ask you to please cease and desist harassing me or I will be forced to involve my lawyer in this matter.
Rocky