Botox treatments for cheap

[this is satire]

The drive to remain wrinkle free and youthful looking is prevalent in today’s society. Women — even men — are spending thousands of dollars in an effort to experience a temporary fountain of youth. Botox is the trade name for botulinum toxin A. In this way, Botox is connected to botulism, a form of food poisoning that happens when someone eats a foodstuff containing a neurotoxin produced by the bacterium Clostridium botulinum.

While many moneyed individuals in our area are partaking of this medical procedure in clinically approved settings, the chemical composition of Botox suggests some low-cost approaches to cosmetic improvement.
As we know our readers are often in the lower strata of economic well-being, we humbly offer these penny-pinching suggestions as a substitute for Botox treatments.

• The clothespin approach. For about a buck a bag, one can buy a bunch of clothespins, which in our opinion are gravely underutilized as a cosmetic device. We recommend the old-fashioned wooden type of clothespin over the plastic kind — simply because we’re old-fashioned ourselves. Here’s what you do. You got a wrinkle you don’t like? Surround that nasty wrinkle with clothespins in a starburst pattern, stretching the wrinkle as smooth as possible. If you can, wear this contraption to bed. Trouble falling asleep? A cheap wine, gin or whisky can help.

• The White River immersion. While any stretch of the White River is bound to contain any number of toxins, including ones that might clear up your complexion, you’re safest immersing your face in the White River at a downtown Indy location. Just sidle on up to the shore, fall to your knees and dunk yo’ face. Keep submerged as long as possible. Too cold to take a swim? Given the level of toxins and pollutants in our soil, feel free to dig up a patch of earth from anywhere in Indy and apply it to your wrinkles. Only downside is duration: This mask of soil must remain on the face for at least 10 hours, so we recommend you wear it to bed. Trouble falling asleep? See above.

• The dumpster approach. Find a trash receptacle, ideally located behind a grocery store or a bustling restaurant. Dig down deep into the dumpster until you get to the really decayed and moldy disposed food. Now, scoop it up and smear it on your face. For good measure, eat some. You’re sure to get some good ol’ Clostridium botulinum. Before you know it, your skin will be as smooth as a cucumber!

• Exposure to the elements. We now know that the ozone is all but gone, and harmful ultraviolent rays are pouring out of the sky and killing everything in their path. So why not go outside, cock your head heavenward and let the rays pummel you? Stare into the sun, drink the rain, bathe in the snow; you’ll be getting immersed in the natural toxins that all of space experiences. After a time, you’ll find your face as polished as a pool ball.

• Other strategies. OK, so for some reason you’re squeamish about coming face-to-face, so to speak, with such poisonous environments. A tub of putty can fill those cracks, but it’s hard to find a color that matches your own skin. Experiment! Buy various tubes and tubs and … oh wait, you can’t afford it! Well, one tub of spackling compound only costs a few dollars, so you can take that home and mix some crayons in with the putty. Tip: Let the crayon/putty elixir dry to know the true color!

• If you’re reluctant to put anything on your face, then here are some final suggestions. The local costume shop will have a mask that’s just right for you! Or, if you’re really on the cheap, a paper bag works wonders as well. Create mystery!