NUVO staff, free-lancer detained by Ashcroft

[this is satire]

Two members of the NUVO staff and a free-lancer are being held at Camp Atterbury. Their names have not been released. No formal charges have been filed, although Department of Homeland Security chief Tom Ridge said charges will include sedition and conspiracy to commit sedition.

The detainees were seized last Wednesday. Agents from the FBI and National Security Administration, with assistance from the military police, surrounded the NUVO building. They kicked down the doors to the newsroom, threw tear gas canisters in to subdue the suspects and charged in with their weapons drawn. The suspects, who had been drinking coffee, were coughing severely and did not resist.

According to witnesses, the detainees were handcuffed, shackled and blindfolded. The free-lancer was gagged after yelling, “1984!” and, “Stop the new Joe McCarthy!”

“We did that for her own protection,” Ashcroft said. “She was very disruptive. We were afraid she would encourage passers-by to riot.”

Agents also seized several back issues of NUVO. Ashcroft said the newspaper has a “lengthy history” of dissent.

The three were taken to Camp Atterbury via military convoy. They are being held separately, although each one is under armed guard.

“We’ll release more information, including their names and charges, when we conclude our investigation,” Ashcroft said. “We’ll jeopardize national security if we speak too soon.” Ashcroft said the investigation could take up to seven months. He said the three are “enemy propagandists” and is asking for trial by military tribunal. “The individuals we detained have obviously committed sedition, conspired to commit sedition and aided and abetted sedition,” he said.

“They carried out much of their work under false identification, using names like Egor S. Grande or Justin Jest.” Ashcroft is expected to talk about the detentions when he speaks about “the misunderstanding of the Patriot Act” today. “You’re not losing your freedoms, America,” he said. “We’re securing the country so you may better enjoy your freedom, as long as you stay within the limits we’ve established to protect the nation.”