Exciting new program for homeless announced

The City of Indianapolis last week announced an exciting new program for the homeless that promises to add the colorfulness of days gone by to the downtown area.

Effective May 1, all homeless people will be required to wear large smiley-face buttons reading, "Hi! I"m a Hobo!" or "Hi! I"m a Bindlestiff!" when walking on downtown streets.

Downtown booster Felicia Bowers hailed the new program. "If we are to maintain the conceptual integrity of our historical districts, then we need to utilize the language of the past. Therefore, so-called homeless people, if we are to allow them to walk on downtown streets, would indeed better interface with the historical mise-en-scene if they were called "hoboes" and "bindlestiffs." Furthermore, the buttons will help law enforcement personnel easily identify those people."

A spokesman for the Mayor"s Office stated that the program is not part of the mayor"s "Blueprint to End Homelessness" but rather his "Blueprint to Make Homelessness Seem Cute."

In a related note, the crumbling Near-Eastside has, in popular usage, become known as "Petersonville."