I received my census form in the mail yesterday. Being a professional smartass, I called the toll-free hotline on the form — the number you’re directed to dial if you have trouble answering questions like “What’s your name?” The form instructed me to call after 8. I tried at 7:30 to see if the Census Bureau had an answering machine. They didn’t. They had a long voice-mail menu, and when I finally dialed “0” for human assistance, the phone just rang until the call was terminated by PacBell. I waited a while, then called the Census Bureau’s Office of the Director. The director is Kenneth Prewitt. I wanted to find out if Kenneth Prewitt was Spanish/Hispanic/Latino or not. I wanted to ask Kenneth Prewitt if he owned his house, apartment or mobile home or if he was occupying without payment of cash rent. It was about 11 a.m. D.C. time when I called Kenneth Prewitt’s office in suburban Washington. No one answered. Kenneth Prewitt must be entirely too busy counting people to talk to them. Filling out government forms can be fun, especially when you’re forced to — you get to bend the law without breaking it. A friend noted that the census envelope states: YOUR RESPONSE IS REQUIRED BY LAW. The word “accurate” isn’t mentioned. Hell, “response” is pretty vague itself. How about a note in return? “THANK YOU FOR YOUR INQUIRY. THAT INFORMATION HAS BEEN DEEMED CLASSIFIED BY THIS FAMILY.” That’s a response, right? The form asks you to number everybody in the house, starting with Person 1. We’re discussing who gets to be Person 1 at my place. My wife waters the plants. That’s a good qualification for Person 1-hood. I think my son should really be Person 1. Anyone who has a child under 10 will tell you that the time/cash investment required to raise an American Kid automatically qualifies the spoiled little monster for Person 1 status. Maybe I’ll name my dog Person 1. That ought to screw the system up. The big problem with government forms is that they’re written by government officials using government language. How ’bout something a little friendlier? Maybe a census form written in the style of Ted Geisel — y’know — Dr. Seuss: CenSeuss Person 1 or Person 2? Person Red or Person Blue? Do you live all by yourself? Do you live with someone else? Do you own the place where this was sent? Or just a poor slob paying rent? How old are you on April first? Just when is your date of birth? Are you a boy or girl right now? Would your doctor write that down? Are you Vietnamese or Korean? Chinese? Cuban? Puerto Rican? Japanese or Filipino? Two-thirds white or half Latino? Samoan aunt? Hawaiian dad? An uncle who’s from Trinidad? African or black? Which is it? Indo-Euro Asian midget? Answer all and send it out So we can get a proper count — Results arrive 2010 — the date we do it all again. ewenck@nuvo.net Ed Wenck used to host the Wank and O’Brien Show in Indy on X103 when he wasn’t attending town meetings in Rocky Ripple. He is now hosting the Wank and O’Brien Show in San Francisco/San Jose when he’s not mountain biking with his family. His daily antics may be heard at www.channel1049.com.
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