My boyfriend of five years is a sweet, smart, handsome, loving, supportive, middle-aged, chubby white guy. We have a fulfilling sex life. When we first met, he shared a fantasy he had about watching me get fucked by a black guy. (He knows it’s not something I’m interested in IRL.)
I’ve caught him several times posing online as a young, buff, handsome black guy looking for a “snowbunny.” I call him out on it every time, and it causes huge fights. He says he’ll stop, but he never does. Weighed against all his other good qualities, this isn’t that big of a deal. Clearly he’s not going to meet up with the women he’s chatting with.
What makes me sad is that I adore him as he is — I love his big white belly, his bald head, and his rosy cheeks. I think I do a good job of communicating this to him. I guess I’m writing to you for some reassurance that I’m doing the right thing by letting this behavior go and also for some insight into why he’s doing it in the first place.
Upset Girlfriend Hates Eroticized Racial Secrets
If this isn’t that big of a deal, UGHERS, why are you calling him out on it? Why are you monitoring his online activities/fantasies at all?
What your boyfriend is doing sounds relatively harmless — he’s pretending to be someone he’s not while flirting with other people online who are most likely pretending to be someone they’re not. (I promise you most of the “snowbunnies” he’s chatted with were other men.) The world is full of people who enjoy pretending to be someone they’re not, from cosplayers pretending to be Captain America or Poison Ivy to creative anachronists pretending to be knights and ladies to Donald Trump Jr. pretending to be a human being.
We can’t gloss over the racial/racist cultural forces that shaped your boyfriend’s kinks, of course, but it’s possible to explore those kinds of fantasies online or IRL without being a racist piece of shit. And a person can pretend to be someone of another race online — because it turns them on — without injecting racial hate into online spaces and/or thoughtlessly reinforcing damaging stereotypes about people of other races.
You’ve seen your boyfriend’s online chats, UGHERS, so you’re in a better position to judge whether he’s exploring his fantasies without making the world a worse place than it already is for actual black men.
If he’s being a racist piece of shit online, UGHERS, call him out on that. If he isn’t, stop policing his fantasies.
On the Lovecast, Cheryl Strayed schools Dan on hiking sex: savagelovecast.com