Friday, August 12, 2016

Savage Love: Monogamy isn't for everyone

Partners must be equally sexually adventurous

Posted By on Fri, Aug 12, 2016 at 11:00 AM

DEAR READERS: I’m on vacation for the next three weeks—but you won’t be reading old columns while I’m away. You’ll be getting a new column every week, all of them written by Dan Savage, none of them written by me.

Dan Savage is a sports writer and the assistant director of digital content for, and he will be answering your questions this week. Dan has covered six NBA finals and 10 NBA All-Star Games; he’s appeared on CBS, ESPN, NBA TV, and First Take; and his writing has been published at,,, and This is Dan’s first time giving sex-and-relationship advice.

“Other sports writers often tell me they enjoyed reading my latest column,” Dan Savage told me in an e-mail, “but when they show me the article, it’s one of your sex-advice columns. The joke is going to be on them this time around when it’s actually my advice!”
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I’m a 36-year-old bisexual female. I’ve been dating my nice Midwestern boyfriend for about four and a half years. Within the first few dates, I brought up non-monogamy. I was pretty sure from past experiences that long-term monogamy wasn’t going to be for me. I get bored, I like attention, and I love the chase. He was against it. I thought, okay, we have a lot of other positive stuff going for us and maybe he would reconsider in the future.

I feel like I’ve lost a part of my sexual self — no adventures, no three-ways, I miss girls, etc. I feel that what I want — newness, some kink he isn’t trained in, being with a girl, etc. — he can’t give me. So I brought up opening up the relationship again. My thought is I could get what I need/want and get my engine revving again, and hopefully bring that excitement and spark back to our relationship.
He listens to your podcasts now, but he doesn’t think he could handle the idea of me with someone else. I don’t think I can handle the relationship as it is now, though, and this was my suggestion to try to make it stronger. I feel like I’ve already ended the relationship just by bringing this up. Are we doomed?

A Girl Has Needs

I appreciate you having your boyfriend listen to my podcasts — oh wait, that was probably meant for the other Dan Savage. Never mind. My podcasts probably wouldn’t have helped with this issue.

Your question reminds me of a topic that’s currently top of mind in my profession: NBA free agency. In the basketball world, it’s the time of year when teams can go after the best available prospects not under contract and offer them a deal to join their team. Organizations heavily vet these players, talking to their former teammates, coaches, and others to make sure that their values match up. There’s nothing worse than being locked into a five-year guaranteed contract with a guy who doesn’t fit with your franchise. Actually, on second thought, there is — getting married to a guy who doesn’t share the same relationship goals and values.

If your boyfriend is someone who has no interest in open relationships — and from all indications, he doesn’t — odds are he’s never going to be happy in that type of situation. And if you’re never going to be happy with monogamy, then you need to find someone whose values match your own. Unfortunately, some people are destined to play man-to-(wo)man, while others are more satisfied in a 2-3 zone.

Follow Dan Savage, assistant director of digital content for, on Twitter @Dan_Savage.

On the Lovecast, Dan chats with twin, queer, heartthrob pop stars Tegan and Sara:

@fakedansavage on Twitter

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About The Author

Dan Savage

Dan Savage

In addition to being a nationally syndicated sex advice columnist and author of books, Savage can also lay claim to being the only person at his home paper to have actually converted his sexuality into a profession. He has a boyfriend and a child. He is also wealthy beyond the dreams of avarice and cheats at racketball... more

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