Wednesday, August 10, 2016

Savage Love: Communication and sex — the keys to love

If she (he) won't talk, then maybe it's time to walk

Posted By on Wed, Aug 10, 2016 at 9:00 AM

DEAR READERS: I’m on vacation for the next three weeks—but you won’t be reading old columns while I’m away. You’ll be getting a new column every week, all of them written by Dan Savage, none of them written by me.

Dan Savage is a sports writer and the assistant director of digital content for, and he will be answering your questions this week. Dan has covered six NBA finals and 10 NBA All-Star Games; he’s appeared on CBS, ESPN, NBA TV, and First Take; and his writing has been published at,,, and This is Dan’s first time giving sex-and-relationship advice.

“Other sports writers often tell me they enjoyed reading my latest column,” Dan Savage told me in an e-mail, “but when they show me the article, it’s one of your sex-advice columns. The joke is going to be on them this time around when it’s actually my advice!”
click to enlarge savagelove_595_1_.png

I’m a straight guy in my 40s, and I’ve been with my wife for more than 20 years. I’m incredibly attracted to my wife. Recently, I’ve been a bit frustrated with us not having sex as frequently as I’d like. So I broached the subject with her. I tried to be easygoing about it, but maybe I fucked that up.

Basically, I told her that I fantasize about her daily and would like to have sex more often. I cited two examples of frustration. Two weeks ago, I came on to her and tried to initiate, but we had a dinner party to go to and she didn’t want to be late. One week ago, I was flirting with her but was rebuffed because we were going out to dinner and … she wanted to go to dinner more than fuck, I guess. I made my wife cry by bringing this up. End result is that she doesn’t want to fuck more than we already do, there’s nothing I can do to make sex more appealing for her, and it hurt her for me to bring the subject up at all. I dropped it, apologized, and moved on.

I don’t want to coerce her into anything (I want her to want me), so here we are. How can I communicate better in the future?

Using My Words

Communication in any relationship is key. On the basketball court, one of the first things young players are taught is to communicate effectively with their teammates. They’re required to call out plays, offensive assignments, and defensive rotations in order to prevent breakdowns and keep the system working smoothly.

In relationships, the same principles hold true. You have to be able to effectively communicate with your partner in order to keep both parties happy. And just like everything else in life, timing is everything.

First, I’d make sure you communicate your needs at a time other than when you’ve just been rebuffed. You’re then likely to be less emotional, think more rationally, and more effectively explain your needs without applying added pressure. Second, I’d try making your next move when other plans are not on the table. In both the examples you mention, UMW, the timing of your request appears to have been an issue for her.
Schedule some time for an intimate dinner at home or cap off an exciting evening out on the town with romantic advances. If she does not respond to your improved efforts, then she’s not being a good teammate. A successful relationship is when both members’ needs are met, not just one.

Follow Dan Savage, assistant director of digital content for, on Twitter @Dan_Savage.

On the Lovecast, Dan chats with twin, queer, heartthrob pop stars Tegan and Sara:

@fakedansavage on Twitter

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About The Author

Dan Savage

Dan Savage

In addition to being a nationally syndicated sex advice columnist and author of books, Savage can also lay claim to being the only person at his home paper to have actually converted his sexuality into a profession. He has a boyfriend and a child. He is also wealthy beyond the dreams of avarice and cheats at racketball... more

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