Wednesday, July 20, 2016

Savage Love: Peter problems

Advice to someone hung up on an ex

Posted By on Wed, Jul 20, 2016 at 7:30 PM

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I’m sorry if my English is wrong. I’m writing from Germany, where I am being heartbroken and not knowing how to go on. I’ve been seeing a guy for a couple of months and slowly falling in love with him. “Peter” has always been very open to me about himself, his failed relationships, and his commitment issues. He talks frequently about his ex-boyfriend from five years ago and how being left created a deep fear of being left once again. He also had a relationship that ended a year ago.

Yesterday he told me he’s still in love with the guy from one year ago but that his love is unrequited. He also told me that he values what we have but he can’t stop loving this other guy. And he can’t promise me that this will change. I am in love and heartbroken at the same time, hopeful and fearful, and unable to get up for the last couple of days. Deep down, I fear I will get hurt. I already am hurt. I’m falling for someone who’s not able to love me back, who’s stuck in the past, but who wishes to change that in order to let me into his life. Should I stay and wait for Peter to get better even if it hurts to know he’s in love with someone other than me? Or should I leave him as so many others have and hurt him?

Healing Erotic Love Problem Means Everything

Peter could be lying to you.

That’s probably not what you wanted or expected to hear, HELPME, and you’ll find some more hopeful/less cynical advice further down, I promise. But when a guy with “commitment issues” tells you he’s struggling with the emotional fallout of a relationship that ended five years ago and still hopelessly in love with someone he hasn’t seen for a year… you have to entertain the possibility that he could be lying to you.

You always have to entertain that possibility—with new loves, old loves, blue loves.
When someone tells us they have “commitment issues,” we’re primed to hear this: “This boy is incapable of committing until healed (by a therapist, by a new love, by the passage of time).” But sometimes what they mean is this: “I have no interest in committing—not to you, not to anyone, not now, not ever.” But instead of owning up to that (because people who want to remain single are viewed as damaged?) or telling you he’s not seeking anything serious (because you might leave him, and he’s not done with your ass?), Peter invents/inflates a pair of past loves that render him incapable of loving you the way you deserve to be loved and blah blah blah and off the hook. Not a child-man who won’t commit, but a victim who would commit if he could commit but—sob!—he can’t commit.

But, hey, maybe he’s telling you the truth. Maybe he’s in love with Mr. One Year Ago. So tell him he can love you and love the other guy at the same time. Established gay throuples, stable straight poly quads, bi men with GFs and BFs, married lesbians who U-Hauled an adorable baby dyke—there are examples everywhere you look these days of people in love with more than one romantic partner. I don’t see why a person can’t be in love with someone and still in love with an ex—think of it as a sort of semi-posthumous/semi-poly relationship. You’ll be pioneers.

Give Peter permission to love his ex (pathetically and abstractly) while loving you too (intimately and tactilely), HELPME, and you might be able to love a commitment out of him.

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Dan Savage

Dan Savage

In addition to being a nationally syndicated sex advice columnist and author of books, Savage can also lay claim to being the only person at his home paper to have actually converted his sexuality into a profession. He has a boyfriend and a child. He is also wealthy beyond the dreams of avarice and cheats at racketball... more

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