Friday, July 15, 2016

Savage Love: Doing marriage wrong?

Practical and theoretical problems at play

Posted By on Fri, Jul 15, 2016 at 7:30 PM

My first refractory period — the time it takes me to get ready to have sex again after my first orgasm — is shorter than the time it takes me to lose my erection. I was in a relationship and wasn’t using condoms anymore by the time I figured this out, so it was just generally good times—I’d blow my load, take less than a minute to catch my breath, and be ready to go again. But now that I’m single and entering the dating pool, I’m going to be wrapping it again. Obviously. But I’m not 100 percent sure it’s safe to blow two loads into one condom. I’m not sure how much ejaculate I’m producing the second time I come, but it’s surely less than the first time. I’m not confident that “second” erection would survive the whole taking-off-the-condom-and-tying-it-up-and-then-putting-on-another-condom exercise, but I would like to avoid that rigmarole if possible. So is it safe to blow two loads in a single condom?

Two Pump Champ

The failure rate for condoms when used correctly is low (2 percent), TPC, but the failure rate for condoms when used incorrectly is high (18 percent). Leaks are the most common way condoms fail, and slamming your cock in and out of someone with a fully loaded condom wrapped around it will result in leaks. Even if your second load consists of nothing but good intentions, TPC, reusing a condom the way you describe is a recipe for disaster, impregnation, disease transmission, or all of the above.

I have to put my two cents in about Heartbroken And Devastated, the man who discovered that his wife has been cheating on him the entire time they have been together. Her constant and selfish betrayal is egregious. Instead of being honest and giving him a chance to be in an open relationship, she chose to make a fool out of him. She is selfish and a slut. Not to mention that she could have given him an STD, AIDS, you name it. I disagree with you about the concept of monogamy—I don’t think it is a fantasy. I believe there is something that separates us from the animals, and that’s called integrity and self-control. I am happily married to a beautiful woman. I am a singer in a band, I get hit on all the time, but I don’t act on it. Because some of us have a conscience and don’t betray the ones we’ve made a COMMITMENT TO. I wish HAD the best of luck, but I hope he moves on and finds someone who will appreciate him.

Monogamous And Proud In Portland.

I have a few questions for you, MAPIP, but first: I agree that HAD’s wife betrayed him in an extreme and egregious way, and I made that clear in my response. (“The scale, duration, and psychological cruelty of your wife’s betrayals may be too great for you to overcome.”) Now here’s my question for you: What did you make a COMMITMENT TO? Was it to your wife or was it to an ideal? Did you commit to a fallible human being or did you commit to a principle?

Let’s say your wife screwed up and cheated—which happens all the time, it could happen to you (you do realize you’re whistling past the world’s most densely populated graveyard), women cheat now at pretty much the same rate men do—and let’s say it was a far less egregious betrayal than the one HAD is suffering through. Let’s say it was a one-off, years from now, or maybe a two-off. Would you stay and try to save your marriage or would you leave your wife? Staying and trying to save your marriage says, “I committed myself to this person,” leaving says, “I committed myself to this ideal.”

If your ideals are more important to you than your spouse, I think you’re doing marriage wrong. But you’re free to disagree.

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Dan Savage

Dan Savage

In addition to being a nationally syndicated sex advice columnist and author of books, Savage can also lay claim to being the only person at his home paper to have actually converted his sexuality into a profession. He has a boyfriend and a child. He is also wealthy beyond the dreams of avarice and cheats at racketball... more

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