Wednesday, June 29, 2016

White knights run amok

Keep that mouth shut

Posted By on Wed, Jun 29, 2016 at 7:30 PM

click to enlarge Slash says "Shhhhh!" to both our letter writers - SCOTT PENNER VIA WIKIMEDIA COMMONS
  • Scott Penner via Wikimedia Commons
  • Slash says "Shhhhh!" to both our letter writers

I have a difficult question. A dear young friend has recently started being a stripper for work. I won’t lie: it tears me up. All I feel is sadness and worry—such a nice soul for what I feel is a not-so-nice environment. I really hope I’m wrong. Is there any way in which this can be okay?

My thoughts are that no matter how strong a woman is, no one can forget what they see or have to deal with. I worry for the sake of a nice person getting her ass handed to her too often and potentially breaking beyond repair. My gut emotion is that it doesn’t matter how well you handle these situations—what matters is the fact that you see too much ugliness, too often, and get to a point where you forget that there are actually nice humans out there.

I guess my question is: How well can anyone handle this?

My Endangered Lady

I suspect she’s handling it better than you are, MEL. And I would recommend minding your own business, backing the fuck off, and Googling “white knight syndrome.” But if your conscience requires you to say something, say something that opens up a conversation, rather than something so larded with shame, fear, and judgment that it shuts the conversation down. Instead of saying something like “Oh my God! What were you thinking?! You’ll be shredded emotionally and sexually! You could break beyond repair!”, try something like, “Stripping isn’t something I would feel comfortable doing myself. But I’m your friend, and if you need to talk with someone about your new job — if you need to decompress or vent — I’m here for you.”

I’ve been lying to myself. I told myself that stability and friendship were more important to me than sex. I’ve been with my husband for twelve years, and we’ve been married for five of those. We were best friends, and I was already in love before we started dating and before we ever had sex. I should have known in the beginning that we weren’t sexually compatible, but I chose to ignore it (or I chose stability and friendship). I chose my best friend, and have been suffering ever since.

Luckily, I listen to your advice on a regular basis, and I’ve started having more open conversations about my feelings and my wants and needs. About a year ago, my husband and I decided to open our relationship. This was all my idea, and I’m not sure he’s fully into it. We agreed to a “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy, and a month ago we finally acted on it. I met someone in an open relationship and had sex with them. It was amazing—everything about it. In the end, I didn’t feel guilty, but I did want to tell my husband. I still feel the need to get his approval, but I also know that he doesn’t want to hear it. If he gave me the go-ahead, even though everything was my idea, should I feel guilty, or just happy for finally getting what I needed from someone? Are there baby steps I can take to tell my husband these things, or do I just keep them to myself? I feel like this is saving our marriage, but society probably just looks at me like a cheating whore.

Feelings Are Insanely, Terribly Hard For Unsure Lovers

You have your husband’s approval to do what you did, but his approval was contingent upon you not telling him what you did. Honor the commitment you made to your husband, FAITHFUL, by keeping your mouth shut. You’ll doubtless have conversations in the future about your relationship, and about monogamy, and you can ask him if he wants to stick with “don’t ask, don’t tell.” If he says yes, continue to keep your mouth shut.

Tags: , , ,

Around the Web


Subscribe to this thread:

Add a comment

This Week's Flyers

About The Author

Dan Savage

Dan Savage

In addition to being a nationally syndicated sex advice columnist and author of books, Savage can also lay claim to being the only person at his home paper to have actually converted his sexuality into a profession. He has a boyfriend and a child. He is also wealthy beyond the dreams of avarice and cheats at racketball... more

Today's Best Bets | All of today's events

Around the Web

All contents copyright © 2016 NUVO Inc.
3951 N. Meridian St., Suite 200, Indianapolis, IN 46208
Website powered by Foundation