Friday, May 13, 2016

Savage Love: Butt wait, part deux

I don’t think anal happens by accident.

Posted By on Fri, May 13, 2016 at 3:35 PM

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About your answer to WHAT, the lady whose boyfriend “accidentally” ass-fucked her: I am a queer lady with a number of men in my sexual history, and I have many straight women friends who get around. “I didn’t mean to stick my dick in your ass” is a lie that men tell — men who are embarrassed to ask for anal, men who want it so bad they’re prepared to hurt their partner, or men who think their partner will say no if asked and just don’t care. In all cases, these are men who do not even begin to understand how anal sex works. As you say, it’s not an accident. But what you don’t say is that these men are telling lies in order to get out of taking responsibility for their desires and the fact that they’ve hurt their partners. Men who want to have anal sex need to talk that through with their partners and then either figure out how to do it safely and pleasurably, accept that it’s not happening, or break up if it’s a deal breaker. I have had way too many conversations with women friends about the pain and anger and sometimes shame that they’ve felt when male partners have just stuck it in abruptly, unlubricated, and without permission. It makes me really angry that this is something that men can describe as an “accident” without any pushback, and honestly it was kind of gross and disappointing when your answer was just jokes about butt plugs.

Whatever Acronym Strongly Stresses Underlying Point


I’m with you, WASSUP. I don’t think anal happens by accident. Anal has always, in my vast experience, required lube, focus, precision, and deep breathing. But on the two occasions when I’ve urged straight female callers on the Savage Lovecast to dump boyfriends who “accidentally” penetrated them anally — the pushback from male and female listeners was overwhelming. Scores of people called in to insist that anal can and does happen by accident.

WHAT’s boyfriend has accidentally penetrated her anally four times in a year. That raises a red flag. But WHAT was convinced it was an accident (all four times) and seemed to think her boyfriend felt genuinely terrible about it (all four times), and I deferred to a reader’s POV (just one time). And here’s a detail that was cut from WHAT’s letter for space: “People have suggested going slow, but I like it a little rough.” Perhaps I should’ve come down harder on WHAT’s boyfriend — okay, I should’ve come down harder — but it seemed possible, at least in WHAT’s case, that anal might’ve been an accident (all four times?!?).

I still believe “accidental anal” is much more likely to be “intentional, nonconsensual anal,” aka not an accident at all.

On the Lovecast, Dan chats with writer Anna Pulley about all things lesbian: savagelovecast.com.

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Dan Savage

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In addition to being a nationally syndicated sex advice columnist and author of books, Savage can also lay claim to being the only person at his home paper to have actually converted his sexuality into a profession. He has a boyfriend and a child. He is also wealthy beyond the dreams of avarice and cheats at racketball... more

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