Thursday, May 12, 2016

Savage Love: Bi guy problems

"You may have better luck with women if your initial interactions are over e-mail."

Posted By on Thu, May 12, 2016 at 3:30 PM

click to enlarge 2000px-bi_flag.svg.png

I’m one of those bi guys. I had trouble dating girls in high school and at 18 found guys so much darn easier. And as sexual promiscuity in the gay world goes, I got around there easily. Fast-forward a few years. I’m in college now and desiring women and stability more. But women find me weird and awkward—I admit I am—something I was never judged for in the gay world. This has been going on for a few years now, and it just gets worse when I’m supposed to be parading around presenting as a horny straight guy. I’d love to find a bisexual woman to start a family with who is up for mutually agreed upon swing-and-fun sessions with others. But from what I’ve experienced with girls so far — always on the watch for a “player,” zero understanding of male bisexuality — that seems far from possible. Lately I’ve just been sitting on my hands in social situations, afraid to even interact with women. Is this therapy worthy?

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Therapy couldn’t hurt… unless you get a terrible therapist… in which case it could. Start your therapist hunt at the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and Therapists (, and you’re likelier to find a good/sex-positive one.

As for why your “weird and awkward” first impression seemed to be less of an impediment when you were sleeping with men: Men aren’t subjected to male sexual violence at the same rates that women are. Women have a lot more to fear than men do, UPITT, and a weird-and-awkward first impression is far likelier to turn off a woman into dudes than it is to turn off a man into dudes. The man you flirt with at a party might think, “Dude’s weird and awkward but he’s hot,” and jump into bed with you. But the woman you flirt with at a party is likely to think, “Dude’s weird and awkward and he’s hot, but he’s just too weird to risk it.”

Something else that couldn’t hurt: getting on a site like OkCupid and approaching bisexual women there. You may have better luck with women if your initial interactions are over e-mail.

And finally, UPITT, there are gay and bi men out there who desire stability, too — and stability and “promiscuity” aren’t mutually exclusive.

On the Lovecast, Dan chats with writer Anna Pulley about all things lesbian:
@fakedansavage on Twitter

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Dan Savage

Dan Savage

In addition to being a nationally syndicated sex advice columnist and author of books, Savage can also lay claim to being the only person at his home paper to have actually converted his sexuality into a profession. He has a boyfriend and a child. He is also wealthy beyond the dreams of avarice and cheats at racketball... more

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