I’m one of those bi guys. I had trouble dating girls in high school and at 18 found guys so much darn easier. And as sexual promiscuity in the gay world goes, I got around there easily. Fast-forward a few years. I’m in college now and desiring women and stability more. But women find me weird and awkward—I admit I am—something I was never judged for in the gay world. This has been going on for a few years now, and it just gets worse when I’m supposed to be parading around presenting as a horny straight guy. I’d love to find a bisexual woman to start a family with who is up for mutually agreed upon swing-and-fun sessions with others. But from what I’ve experienced with girls so far — always on the watch for a “player,” zero understanding of male bisexuality — that seems far from possible. Lately I’ve just been sitting on my hands in social situations, afraid to even interact with women. Is this therapy worthy?
Upset Pittsburgher In Troubling Times
Therapy couldn’t hurt… unless you get a terrible therapist… in which case it could. Start your therapist hunt at the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and Therapists (aasect.org), and you’re likelier to find a good/sex-positive one.
As for why your “weird and awkward” first impression seemed to be less of an impediment when you were sleeping with men: Men aren’t subjected to male sexual violence at the same rates that women are. Women have a lot more to fear than men do, UPITT, and a weird-and-awkward first impression is far likelier to turn off a woman into dudes than it is to turn off a man into dudes. The man you flirt with at a party might think, “Dude’s weird and awkward but he’s hot,” and jump into bed with you. But the woman you flirt with at a party is likely to think, “Dude’s weird and awkward and he’s hot, but he’s just too weird to risk it.”
Something else that couldn’t hurt: getting on a site like OkCupid and approaching bisexual women there. You may have better luck with women if your initial interactions are over e-mail.
And finally, UPITT, there are gay and bi men out there who desire stability, too — and stability and “promiscuity” aren’t mutually exclusive.
On the Lovecast, Dan chats with writer Anna Pulley about all things lesbian: savagelovecast.com.
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