Friday, April 22, 2016

Savage Love: Lies

"Our relationship was built on lies from the start."

Posted By on Fri, Apr 22, 2016 at 2:15 PM

click to enlarge tinder-logo.jpg

I met a man two and a half years ago on Tinder. Our relationship was built on lies from the start. I lied to him about having a child so I could put a wedge between us. I came clean after we slept together a few times—the most mind-blowing sex I’ve ever had—because I was afraid he might want to meet my made-up child. I caught feelings. But Tinder man is married and lives in France. I see him only three times a year. Fast-forward to now. He pursues other people. Women throw themselves at him. We were at the mall, and he picked up a girl while I was getting my hair done. He’s not my boyfriend. He hurts me. I am terrified of losing him. Here comes the tricky part: My doctor found a tumor on my lymph nodes. I go in for tests on Friday. I’m ready to pick out my coffin at this point. I contacted my lover’s ex-wife and asked why they divorced, and she said because he cheated all the time. I know what he’s capable of. I don’t want to change him. I love him. I go insane when we don’t talk. He told me he doesn’t respect me any more than he respects his current wife. I’m so scared.

Help Me Please

Um… you won’t find the help you need on a website underneath pop-up ads for vaporizers. You need a therapist, someone who can help you work through legitimate-but-possibly-premature fears for your health (let’s wait for those test results to come back before we pick out your coffin, okay?) and your emotional dependence on a man who isn’t your boyfriend, isn’t your husband, isn’t around much, and has told you he doesn’t respect you. He’s not the kind of guy who’s going to come through for you during a health crisis—that guy couldn’t come through for you during a haircut.
Don’t get me wrong: I sleep with men, I understand the sexual appeal of a man who treats you like shit, I’m a huge Peggy Lee fan. But you can’t depend on a guy like that at a time like this. If it turns out you’re seriously ill, HMP, you need to lean on family and friends, join a support group, buy one of those vaporizers, and concentrate on getting healthy. And take comfort: If/when your health is restored, there are plenty of shitty, selfish, sadistic guys on the planet who’ll treat you badly, cheat on you flagrantly, and — not coincidentally — get you off spectacularly.

I’m sorry you may be ill, HMP, and I’m sorry you’re scared. Best wishes for a speedy physical, emotional, and sexual recovery.

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Dan Savage

Dan Savage

In addition to being a nationally syndicated sex advice columnist and author of books, Savage can also lay claim to being the only person at his home paper to have actually converted his sexuality into a profession. He has a boyfriend and a child. He is also wealthy beyond the dreams of avarice and cheats at racketball... more

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