Friday, January 22, 2016

Savage Love: Poly-uninterested

Posted By on Fri, Jan 22, 2016 at 11:52 AM

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I understand that monogamy is not something people are good at — and that’s fine. In fact, most of the people I know are in healthy poly or monogamish relationships. Here’s the thing: I’m monogamous. Not the “I’m attracted to other people but won’t act on it because it makes me uncomfortable or believe it’s wrong” kind of monogamous, but the “I genuinely have ZERO desire to fuck anyone but my partner” kind of monogamous. Fantasizing about others is fun, so is looking, so is porn and role-play. There’s a world of deliciously kinky, weird, and wonderful sex stuff I’d LOVE to explore until my sexy bits fall off. But I want to do those things with one partner and one partner only in a monogamous, intimate relationship. Here’s the kicker: I’d like my partner to feel the same way. I don’t want someone to enter into a monogamous relationship with me if in their heart/groin they’d genuinely like to fuck other people. Am I a lost cause? Surely I can’t be the only genuinely monogamous person there is? I’m 31 and still turn heads, but I worry my quest for a partner who feels as I do is impossible and a waste of my time.

One 4 One

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You value monogamy, you want a monogamous commitment, and you want someone who feels the same. That great, O4O, and you have my full support. But you do acknowledge that fantasies about others can be fun, as can looking, as can porn (watching others) and role-play (pretending to be others). So while you may wanna fuck other people — hence the looking and fantasizing and role-playing — you have no desire to actually fuck other people.

If you’re having a hard time finding partners who want what you want — a monogamous commitment without the stress of maintaining the monogamous pretense/facade/fraud, i.e., pretending they don’t at least think about fucking other people—either you’re living in some sort of poly parallel universe where nonmonogamy is the default setting or you’re not giving others the same benefit of the doubt you’ve given yourself. You wanna fuck other people and you don’t seem to think that disqualifies you from making, honoring, and genuinely wanting both a monogamous commitment and a monogamous sex life. (The two don’t always go hand in hand.)

If you’re breaking up with people for admitting to the same things you’ve admitted to in your question — you might think about fucking other people, but you don’t want to actually fuck other people — then you’re the reason your quest to find a partner has been so frustrating.

On the Lovecast, Dr. Robert Garofalo on parenting a trans kid:

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Dan Savage

Dan Savage

In addition to being a nationally syndicated sex advice columnist and author of books, Savage can also lay claim to being the only person at his home paper to have actually converted his sexuality into a profession. He has a boyfriend and a child. He is also wealthy beyond the dreams of avarice and cheats at racketball... more

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