Hello Hoosiers! It’s me, the Almighty, checking in with you now that you allow gay marriage. As you might expect, I have something to say to you:
WHAT TOOK YOU SO LONG???
Don’t you remember my only begotten son told you the greatest commandment was to love your God with all your heart, your mind, and your soul? And then he added that the second greatest commandment was to love your neighbor as yourself? I’ve been sitting up here wondering when you were going to love your GLBT neighbors as yourselves. If marriage is good enough for you, shouldn’t it also apply to your homosexual brothers and sisters?
I know, I know. There’s that pesky line in the Bible about how marriage is between one man and one woman. Okay, I get that. I wrote it myself. But that was four thousand years ago, folks. Times change. Heck, if I still held you to all the standards I set forth in Leviticus, none of you would ever cut your hair, you’d have to own slaves, and you men would have to take multiple wives. I’m sure some of you would enjoy that, but it would be rough on the ladies, in this day and age.
And I also forbid working on the Sabbath four thousand years ago. Can you imagine that? Not only would your liquor stores and car dealerships be closed on Sundays, but every store would be closed. That means you men wouldn’t be able to run to the hardware in the middle of a home improvement project.
See where I’m going with this? I have half a mind to write a new Bible in another century or two. Oh, I’ll keep the New Testament the same, but I’ll update the archaic laws I set forth back before anybody knew your hemisphere even existed.
You Hoosiers are a stout bunch. You don’t like change. You leave the new fads and trends to the hipsters who live on the coasts. I like that about you. I made you a somewhat skeptical lot on purpose. I figured good old-fashioned Midwestern values were necessary to temper the upstarts on the coasts, who sometimes forget where they came from, if you know what I mean. But seriously, how long did you think I was going to let you go on prohibiting a group of people who, through no fault of their own, have a different sexual orientation than you do?
It took you Hoosiers a long time to recognize that it’s perfectly acceptable to marry someone of another race. But remember, “Love your neighbor as yourself.” Now it’s so common, I venture to say each and every one of you knows at least one interracial couple. And what harm did their union cause you? Did their union destroy yours? Of course not! And you’ll soon learn the union of two homosexuals won’t destroy yours either. Again, don’t most of you know two women or two men who live together already? So now your state government will be able to issue them a marriage license. Whoop-de-do! Get over it, and move on!
Now I’ve always made a point to not involve myself in your political squabbles, but what’s with your elected leaders? You have a governor, an attorney general, and a House leader who still intend to fight this progress. Why? They remind me of those political leaders in the South who fought racial integration fifty years ago.
You Hoosiers have a few problems. You still have a lot of unemployed amongst your ranks. And quite frankly, your laws favor the wealthy more so than in most other states. Heck, you people still have a regressive state income tax. Your education numbers don’t look good. And your homicide rate stinks. How can you people possibly possess so much hate to take the life of another human being? Or is it just that you feel like you must arm yourselves wherever you go, and your emotions get the best of you in those “heat of the moment” situations?
Yes, you Hoosiers have a few issues right now – and of course, I’m always here to help. In fact, I wish more of you would reach out to me. But fighting marriage inclusivity should not even be on your agenda. It’s a waste of your effort and time!
Ahh, time. I see your clocks are still in sync with those of Maine. But that’s another discussion for another day. Now get back to work, and please try to be constructive. The future of your great state depends on it.
Andy Ray is a Carmel businessman, a local coordinator for Foreign Links Around The Globe, secretary of the Central Time Coalition, and an active member of the St. Luke’s United Methodist Chancel Choir.