Monday, April 13, 2009

Tea-bagging Republicans stand firm

Posted By on Mon, Apr 13, 2009 at 4:00 AM

All across the country, the radical-fringe minority group known as conservatives are planning "tea bag" protests this week, apparently because they're against the economic recovery President Obama is bringing to the nation.

Their idea is that by sending tea bags to the president and members of Congress, they're invoking the memory of the Boston Tea Party and sending a strong message against the current tax policy.

Either that, or they're wanting the president and Congress to relax with a nice, hot cup of delicious tea as they work to fix the catastrophic situation George W. Bush left for them when he slithered out of Washington in January.

The fact that wingnut conservatives are all in a tizzy because the country is getting fixed doesn't bother me. Those people are always predicting crazy conspiracy theories such as the arrival of martial law and concentration camps whenever Democrats have power.

What's amusing about this is the terminology the Kool Aid-drinking conservatives are using this time around. A popular Web site urges readers to "tea bag Obama." Fox News is running marathon coverage about the efforts to "tea bag Congress."

Meanwhile, the rest of the country is laughing at the conservatives. If you know any of them, please don't tell them the actual meaning of "tea-bagging" someone. And, whatever you do, don't tell them to look up "tea-bagging" in the online Urban Dictionary.

It is a verb meaning "To lower one's scrotum into another's mouth." Apparently this is done in an up/down motion, simulating a tea bag being lifted and then dunked into a cup of hot water.

When I first heard about the efforts to "tea bag Obama" on the Rush Limbaugh show, it made me think that the Log Cabin Republicans really had taken over the party. But they're apparently oblivious to its double meaning.

And the longer they stay unaware of it, the funnier it's going to be. It's as if Sean Hannity had created a fictional character, Hot Carl, who is upset with Obama.

Maybe Glenn Beck should mobilize a group of anti-Obama Ohioans, the Cleveland Steamers, an organization all "steamed up" about the new president's policies.

Maybe the conservatives should also throw jelly doughnuts into canals along with the tea bags, if they're serious about sending Washington a message.

Maybe I'm wrong. Possibly the Republicans really do know the meaning of "tea-bagging." Nothing would surprise me at this point.

It's conceivable that they'll show up at these rallies with cages of gerbils and cases of Astroglide. Homosexual metaphors have long been part of Republican mythology.

Remember the praise Bush received after Sept. 11 for his "firm, strong" leadership? Or the "initial thrust" into Baghdad in 2003? Even Dan Quayle's autobiography was titled Standing Firm. Its cover shows him posing in a sweater like he's the star of Hot College Boys, Vol. 47.

There's absolutely nothing wrong with gay fantasies, provided that you're gay. When you're a "rock-solid" Republican who considers himself heterosexual, and you're using the terminology of a San Francisco bathhouse, we're going to laugh at you.

More importantly, when 70 percent of the country trusts Obama's economic policies over the Republican alternative - that is to say, more of the same failed Bush scams - it doesn't do your cause much good to name your latest stunt after a gay sex act.

Most of the country is already laughing their heads off about this "tea-baggin'" business. MSNBC's Rachel Maddow couldn't keep a straight face when talking about all of this on her show last week. And she totally lost it when Air America's Ana Marie Cox, who's also in on the joke, asked, "Who wouldn't want to tea bag John McCain?"

It's just further evidence of the rapid descent of conservatism from being a viable political philosophy to its current status as the cause of grumpy, repressed white men who watch The O'Reilly Factor in their Snuggies.

Yes, these are going to be a fun couple of decades as we watch Reaganism being buried deep in the cold, cold ground while the Republican - or should I say, Repubican - Party gets exiled into third or fourth place.

Stand firm, tea-baggers! Be firm and erect as you tea bag your adversaries. The rest of us will be standing behind you, lubricated with the spirit of liberty and justice for all.

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