Wednesday, July 30, 2014

Ask the Sex Doc: Pegging, foot love & lust, pregnant sex, v-cards, and funny lookin' dicks

Posted By on Wed, Jul 30, 2014 at 3:14 PM

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Toeing the Line

I’m not like a “foot guy” or anything, but I do like to touch my gf’s feet during sex. I don’t get turned on by particular shoes or anything, but I just like to feel them with my hands or on my body. My girlfriend brought it up kind of as a joke, but I think she thinks it’s a lot weirder than she says. I can’t explain why it gets me off, but I want to try to explain it to her. Any advice?

Sarah: Dr. Phil McGraw, in one of a handful of coherent moments, once said on his show, “When you say ‘but’ after declaring something, that means ‘ignore whatever I just said about that other thing because I’m about to say the opposite.’” True dat, Phil. Just because you don’t have to have a pair of feet wrapped around you dick in order to ejaculate doesn’t mean you’re “not a foot guy,” but fetishes come in all varieties, depths and shades. For example, remember our Robe Friend from so many weeks ago? That’s technically a “fetish” but, again, not one to such an extreme that it stands in the place of sex like the dictionary definition of a fetish, which sounds like that’s kind of what you’re dealing with. If I were your lady, the thing that would “weird” me out about it wouldn’t have anything to do with acting it out in bed; what would make me self-conscious is the introduction of the paranoia that my partner chose me because I had sexy feet, not a great personality and good chemistry. Your girlfriend is probably just worried that she’s been reduced in your head down to one physical attribute, so emphasize to her that the whole foot-lovin’ situation is one small part of your relationship with this woman as whole.

Debby: Sounds like you are indeed some shade of a “foot guy” and that’s okay. I cannot explain why that is; research on fetishes or strong preferences is fairly slim and doesn’t say much in terms of root causes. What we do know is that men more often have strong preferences or “fetishes” than do women. And it’s not often a problem unless the partner does not like it or the person with the super strong preference finds it difficult to have sex, or to get aroused or into sex, without their “thing” (in your case, without foot contact). It can take time for people to come around to the idea that something like this is completely on the normal spectrum of sexuality, often because fetishes and foot play and things of that nature get a bad rap in movies and people’s jokes. Maybe she can understand a parallel in non-sexual areas of life: for example, I love pasta with fresh, grated cheese. I also like Neil Diamond and cannot really tell you why. And when I was little, I thought no picture was complete without adding the color yellow to it somewhere. I can’t explain these likes all that well but they’re part of me. Sex isn’t all that much different - it’s a sensory experience and open to preferences.


Got You Pegged

What does “pegging” mean?


Sarah: “Pegging” is a term that comes from 15th-century shipping industry terminology when a female pirate captain would have to take the peg off of her blown-off leg and shove it down her pants whenever she wanted the male sailors to pay attention to her. Just kidding, it’s totally when a woman fucks a guy with a strap-on. This is one of my favorite sex acts to discuss, because one straight dude at the table always asks, “So, does that make him, like, gay?” Yes, it’s a well-known fact that if a man has or desires to have anything in or around his anus or have his prostate stimulated (the toe-curling male equivalent of the G-spot), that makes him gay. Ever had a prostate exam? You’re gay now. Has a woman touched your b-hole during a sex act? Surprisingly, yes, you’re actually gay now too. Did you or someone you love experience a tragic cocktail of vigorous bed-jumping and one of four wooden posts? You guessed it, they’re gay. They have been for years. Everyone knows that every individual sex act we ever do in our lives defines our sexuality forever. *Eyeroll* < /sarcasm>

Debby: Pegging is when a woman penetrates her male partner’s butt with a strap-on dildo. The name comes from a winning entry to the fantastic and smart sex columnist Dan Savage’s Savage Love column.


Boy, Meet World

I just came out to my friends, co-workers, and family at 20 (all very supportive, yay) but am a virgin as I came from a small town with maybe 4 other gay men. Now I feel like I should know more than I do, but I don’t know how to explore safely without being totally fetishized as a virgin on dating sites/apps. How can I be open about my inexperience without my inexperience becoming my sexual identity?

Sarah: Well, from the wealth of self-awareness and intelligence you’re blessed with at 20, getting the fuck right out of Dodge was obviously the right choice. Take a second to high-five yourself for making the right choices for your mental, emotional, and personal well-being. That said, you’re right about there being a weird kind of fetishism around virgins across sexualities, but you don’t have to tell anyone anything about your experience. You could say that you’re “still exploring” or “open to trying things” or whatever you want. You can state that you’re in an experimental state of mind without saying “OH GOD HELP I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY DICK OR BUTT!” Also, maybe instead of pursuing sexual partners or experiences, focus your energy on making close friends within that community first. That way, when you’re ready to jump into that world, you’ll have plenty of support and people who care about you to talk about it with and answer your questions. Just because everyone’s on hookup sites doesn’t mean that’s the only way to make friends and meet partners.

Debby: Well, you could get to know someone well before you have sex with them. You don’t have to advertise “Virgin” on Grindr or any other app or site… that is, unless you want to run the risk of being fetishized in that way (and you say you don’t). Being inexperienced with sex, I am guessing you are also inexperienced talking about safer sex which is important for anyone but particularly for men who have sex with men who still have a disproportionately high risk of HIV and sexually transmissible infections, including syphilis. The United States is currently seeing a spike in syphilis, which is worrisome, and it’s particularly high among men who have sex with men so please use condoms (which can protect against HIV but not fully against syphilis) and get tested. Here in Indy, the Damien Center and Bellflower are two of many good resources for testing and information about safer, more pleasurable sex. Male friends with condoms. Make friend with water-based lubricant. And try to get comfortable talking with people about sex, and what you want and don’t want, and what you like and don’t like, and get to know someone a little bit before you have sex with them. Believe it or not, intimacy and connection tend to be linked to more pleasurable and orgasmic sex. That’s not to say you can’t have fun with people you don’t know as well - of course you can and many do - but I’m just throwing it out there. And if you choose to first explore with strangers, remember that you don’t have to go all the way. You can simply masturbate near each other or masturbate each other. Oral sex is another possibility (but remember: oral sex can also transmit STIs including syphilis).


Baby Bumpin’ Uglies

I found out I was pregnant a few days ago, and I want to know if you have any book recommendations for sex when you’re pregnant.

Sarah: Crime & Punishment, Fyodor Dostoyevsky.

Debby: Yes! Look no further: check out Your Orgasmic Pregnancy. And congratulations! Little people are the best.


Bâton laissez-faire

My fiance’s foreskin is still attached, but only like a half-inch “strap” piece of skin off to the side. He says it’s never bothered him and it doesn’t inhibit his erections. Should I be concerned about this?

Sarah: Aw, like a little bootstrap. You should name it Ron Paul and when he gets hard yell, “THE FREE MARKET SUCCEEDS!” Is there a gap? Can you hang a nice chandelier earring in there when he’s feeling flashy? Some cotton string for a marionette show? Look, if it doesn’t interfere with sex or erections, why worry about it as a medical problem? Sounds to me like a prime opportunity for some penis puppetry fun.

Debby: If it doesn’t bother him and doesn’t get in the way of sex for him, why worry about it? Penises are all a bit different from each other and now you know how his is. Onward down the aisle you go. If it ever becomes a problem, he can always ask a urologist or dermatologist about removing it (gently).


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Sarah Murrell

Sarah Murrell

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Sarah Murrell covers all things food, beverages and sometimes gives decent sex and relationship advice. You can stream her consciousness on Twitter, if that's where life has brought you.

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