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Thursday, July 3, 2014

Ask the Sex Doc: Lightning lady-gasms, #bigbuttproblems and alternative bondage

Posted By on Thu, Jul 3, 2014 at 2:09 AM

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30 Seconds to Venus

I'm a 24 year old woman with what I would call a respectable number of sexual partners. For some reason, my orgasms resemble those of a 15 year old boy. I either come within 30 seconds after intercourse begins or I can't do it at all. I want to last longer because duh, but I also don't want to hold out and then miss an orgasm. Is this normal?!  — Tumblr

Sarah: Not to be dismissive, but this seems like as much of a problem as you make it. I totally get where you’re coming from (HA), in that you want to hang in there with your partner and have the much-desired simultaneous orgasm and all that. Here’s the hot tip from me to you: it doesn’t often happen anyway, even when you can last. When you say “either” is it as in, “I either have the energy to orgasm and it happens right away, or I don’t”? In which case, that’s not that unusual. But if it’s just a matter of rushing to the finish line, you can work on that. I think the best solution is to approach this the way a guy would who is prematurely ejaculating, and focus on slowly drawing out the time it takes you to orgasm during masturbation. Maybe get a cute little vagina-shaped timer to set on your bedside table and set it for one extra minute every day, and vary your methods of getting there. Happy trails, friend.

Dr. Debby: Most women don’t orgasm that quickly but some do. It doesn’t have to a problem (I feel the same way about premature/rapid ejaculation for men). What about coming quickly feels like a problem for you? Why is the wanting to last longer a “duh” for you? What changes after you experience orgasm? Presumably you can still carry on with sex. Maybe you can even have multiple orgasms if you’re mentally open to it. There’s no physical reason orgasms should become impossible for you after the first 30 seconds, so you might consider that some. If they don’t come quickly, do you mentally give up or feel disappointed in yourself? If so, that may lower your chances of having an orgasm. Or do you just become really wet during sex and then that decreases friction/sensation and makes it difficult for you to have an orgasm? If so, keep a small hand towel near the bed and briefly pause sex to dab your genitals so that you have more friction when sex resumes. And if your partner gets super rough and vigorous during sex, and that’s what makes it difficult for you to have an orgasm post-30 seconds, then you might ask your partner to change their pace to something that matches what you enjoy.

F.D.A.U.

My boyfriend and I really want to have doggy-style sex from behind, but every time we try, it doesn't seem to work. I happen to have a big butt, and I don't know if that's the issue, or something else, but the angle just isn't right. The thing is, this is something I constantly fantasize about. Do you have any advice for how to make it work, or should I just forget about it?  — Tumblr

Sarah: Like so many of life’s great quandaries, we need only look to our good friends and rap icons 2 Live Crew for direction: “Face down, ass up/that’s the way we like to fuck.” The good Lord blessed us humans with stretchy connective tissue and joints everywhere you could want to bend for a reason: so we could pretzel ourselves until that D is where it needs to be. You just need to back it up, pop those knees out to the side, and bury your face in the pillow. Have him do more of an up-thrust with his pelvis tilted toward the ceiling while he’s leaning back a bit on his heels. Alternatively, get a little height on it so he’s more thrusting up from behind and below you by kneeling on some pillows. Also, not to get to crude, but butts are very mobile even as they’re quite stationary. Reach back there (since you can now lean on your chest) and hold them cheeks apart to give him better access, or arch your back so the lower part of your ribcage is touching the bed. Blammo, solved it.

Dr. Debby: Butt size in combination with penis size could possibly be the issue, but let’s talk this out and see what else could be going on. If your butt truly is quite large and cushy, and his penis is about average length or smaller, it may be difficult for your partner to get sufficiently close to your vagina from behind for intercourse to happen. While you’re on all fours, you could try angling the front of your body (so that your forearms are flat against the bed and your head is in the pillows) and see if that gives him easier access to your vagina to facilitate intercourse. If you’re running up against height issues, you might also try rear entry when you’re on the bed and he’s standing against it or with you bent over an ottoman and him standing or kneeling behind you. Using lubricant might help, too, if you feel like your parts can make contact but can’t seem to make penetration happen. If these strategies aren’t helping, it may be that penile-vaginal intercourse through rear entry/doggie is not in the cards for you two. However, who says it has to involve a penis? Perhaps your boyfriend would be willing and/or eager to use a dildo or vibrator to stimulate you in the same way. This can offer much more flexibility because he can get a sex toy much closer, by extending his arm while holding it, than he can with his penis. It may not be exactly the same as a penis but it doesn’t mean it can’t be fun.


The Ties That Bind

My boyfriend and I were researching some non-standard bondage ideas (as in, anything other than rope or handcuffs). Do you have any suggestions?  —email

Sarah:
Off the top of my head? Soaked reeds, zip ties, Crystal Gayle’s hair, ties from the thrift store, ties from the closet, shoe laces, belts, circle scarves, regular scarves, computer charger cables, extension cords, multiple layers of painter’s tape, a single layer of duct tape, two layers of packing tape, five—no more, no less—layers of Scotch tape, Saran wrap (either flat or corded), knitting yarn, embroidery floss (braided), dental floss (corded), deconstructed cable-knit sweater, purse straps, sour belt/straw candy (DO NOT GET WET), headphones, a paperclip chain (mostly decorative), panties, bras, stretchy T-shirts, yoga pants, those vines that won’t stop growing up the damn fence, fiber optic cable, repurposed telephone cords, butcher’s twine, curtain tiebacks, Christmas lights—you know what? Just email me (smurrell@nuvo.net) your address and I’ll just do a walk-through of your home and make some neat piles of supplies like at the craft store. It’ll be fun!

Dr. Debby: You specifically asked for non-standard “bondage” ideas - not BDSM ideas generally but bondage, so I am guessing you mean things to bind one with, yes? In that case - look around you or the room you happen to be in when you’re playing together. You and your boyfriend might try clothing (ties, scarves, underwear, socks), car cables, cooking twine, giftwrap ribbon, a dog leash, garden hose, and so on. Some people also go to hardware stores to look for specific kinds of rope or chains; even 50 Shades of Gray includes a few related scenes of how hardware stores are treated as sex shops by some. For bondage and broader BDSM-related ideas, check out The Ultimate Guide to Kink: BDSM, Role Play, and the Erotic Edge, edited by sex educator Tristan Taormino.

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