Saturday, May 24, 2014

Ask the Sex Doc 15: Fretting over foreskin, record orgasms, and the ol' wizard sleeve myth

Posted By on Sat, May 24, 2014 at 12:05 AM


Oh, are you new here? Here's the run-down: One IU Kinsey Institute Ph.D., one smartass, once a week. Got a burning question? That's how we keep this crazy train chugging along, so send 'em in! askthesexdoc@nuvo.net or use our magical anonymous Tumblr inbox. 

Tough Turtleneck

I'm not circumcised and I'm not able to pull my foreskin back when I'm flaccid or erect. I have like a vein attached to the penis itself (or that thing, I don't know what it's called). I'm 20 years old and it's gotten to the point where I'm scared to have sex. What can I do? - Boywonder213, from the comments

Sarah: It's been a real doozy of a month for penises in our world, huh? To me, the idea of having any problems with my junk is like having problems with my car: Assume that you do not have the tools or expertise and proceed immediately to a professional. True, my junk is more of a V8 configuration tucked up in the backend, whereas you're rocking a street-legal, exposed-engine straight 8 (you're welcome, race fans), and you might be tempted to think that you should be able to fix it just because it's already right out there, and you're a dude and cars and dicks, amirite? Fortunately, though this is an embarrassing thing for you to deal with, every urologist has seen it hundreds of times and will be able to figure out a solution a lot faster than one more WebMD search will get you. Call your doctor. Do it now.

Debby: Hands down, make an appointment with a urologist or a dermatologist so that you can find out more about why your foreskin won't retract. Some conditions are helped with topical creams or ointments and others may involve surgical interventions (e.g., circumcision of some degree).

Bannister'ed Booty

I've been with my boyfriend for 3 years. I was a virgin before we met (as was he) but I had fooled around. Very early in our relationship I made the mistake of telling him my "record number" of orgasms. Now he says the number occasionally pops into his mind and bothers him and he wants to "beat my high score." However, this was almost 10 years ago and I'm not sure my body is capable of that anymore. I have never enjoyed intimacy with anyone else like I do with him. How do I convince him of this? - Anonymous, from Tumblr

Sarah: If I knew enough to tell you how to convince a guy that he's really satisfying you, I'd be waist-deep in cash with several book deals under my belt. It turns out that the female capacity to convincingly fake orgasms is like the hole in the bucket of men's confidence in their capacity to satisfy a woman sexually. So let me get out my soap box and use this opportunity to say something I've always wanted to say: Ladies, stop faking orgasms! Stop it! It helps no one! You might think that it's helping your partner feel better about his abilities, but it never helps him learn what you like. Eventually, you'll care more about having a real orgasm than his feelings, and then you'll be up Blue Walls Creek with a poorly-trained oarman. As for the question-asker, if you want to let him know he's really satisfying you, when you're at dinner parties and social gatherings, just point at him across the room and continuously hip-thrust in his general direction until you're asked to leave. After all your friends stop inviting you places, you'll have more free time show him how much he gets you off.

Debby: Have you tried telling him just that - that this was a decade ago, that quantity is not your goal of sex, and that quality and intimacy are your goals? It might open a nice conversation for you both about how sex feels different for you now compared to how it did earlier in life. For example, some of my research shows that men are highly performance-focused early in their 20s and early 30s, focusing more on how often they have sex, on their erections, and how long they last during sex. In their mid-30s (generally speaking as it's different for everyone), they tend to shift a bit more toward intimacy, connection, and meaning as being important to their sexual satisfaction. While orgasm and performance are important to women too, we tend to start focussing on intimacy a little earlier in life than men as a whole. It's okay to want intimacy. And it's okay to want orgasm. But it might also feel like a lot of pressure to try to "beat your record" and that's okay to say. The fact that he says it "bothers" him suggests that it's more about his insecurities than your pleasure. It's not that he's selfish, it's probably more than he feels insecure. If he can realize that, and that your earlier "high" was not about someone having a better technique but about a youthful focus on performance (quantity over quality), perhaps he can find some way to let it go over time.

Sex Myths, Busted:

Can you debunk the "if you have too much sex, your vagina stretches out" myth? - Anonymous, from Tumblr

Sarah: This is probably one of my favorite sexual myths of all time. It combines every loathe-able, idiotically-framed conversations about sex: the women-as-dick-receptacle motif, the overvaluation of sexual purity, and proof that God, Karma, biology or all three will punish you for being a slut. The good news? It's 100% certified bullshit. Now, like all muscles, your pelvic floor gets stronger the more you work it out, so flexing your PC muscles with some Kegels never made anything worse, that's for sure. But worry not - you're not going to end up with a 3rd-day-jeans, wizard-sleeve kind of looseness just because you like to get down a lot.

Debby: Happy to. It's not true and it's never been true. Research even shows that women who have babies have a vagina like women who do not have babies (with the exception of the opening). Vaginas stretch and then return to their normal size, just as penises grow with arousal and then return to size. Masturbation and partnered sex don't change vaginal size or penile size.

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