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Wednesday, April 30, 2014

Ask The Sex Doc 12: Romantic fisting, public sex, and shaving where the sun don't shine

Posted By on Wed, Apr 30, 2014 at 5:54 AM

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Oh, are you new here? Here's the run-down: One IU Kinsey Institute Ph.D., one smartass, once a week. Got a burning question? That's how we keep this crazy train chugging along, so send 'em in! askthesexdoc@nuvo.net or use our magical anonymous Tumblr inbox. 

Fisting Firsts

My partner and I are working on fisting. We make a point to take the necessary precautions (sobriety, latex glove, lube on lube on lube, and time) but after having ensured all of the safety points, there lacks the spontaneity with which great sex is often coupled. Have you any advice on how to maintain sexiness AND safety? - Anonymous, from Tumblr

S: We'll never know if The Human League was talking about fisting when they crooned, "I wouldn't ever try to hurt you/I just needed someone to hold me/To fill the void while you were gone/To fill this space of emptiness," in "Human," but I like to think they were. Just like the song goes, you're only human, reader, of flesh and blood your orifices are made! Fisting requires some slow relaxing of key muscles that don't normally stretch that wide, which just can't be rushed. Good sexual partners like yourself do not slam-jam their lover onto their fist like a novelty boxing glove on the first few goes. Since this is kind of a long game, I would use that to your advantage by doing a little digital dirty talk about the act much earlier in the day via text or discreet call. You'll be so worked up after a day of exchanging volleys of loving, monogamous, slacks-tenting fisting filth, just being able to finally get down to it will become a thrill in and of itself.

Dr. D: Not all great sex is shaped by spontaneity. Some is, some isn't. Fisting takes a little planning. Like any kind of sex that begins with awkwardness, it also gets easier with time. Soon, donning gloves and lube should become second nature. You're just not there yet. You might also try making it sexier by starting with massage (you've blocked off time anyway and will have plenty of lube on hand). This may help you both to relax and get in the mood for whatever comes next.


The Other Kind of Sex Tourism


I'm super interested in having sex in a semi-public place, like maybe in a not-sketchy alley after dark or the bathroom at a dive bar. But I'm hesitant. What legal issues am I up against if someone finds us? The last thing I want to do is explain to my elementary school employers that I wasn't in school on Tuesday due to a public indecency charge. - Anonymous, from Tumblr

S: I was completely onboard and about to tell you to rehearse the Thriller dance to do bottomless and guarantee yourself consolational viral dashcam fame - right up until I got to "elementary school employers." In which case, regardless of the misdemeanor charges (which it would most likely be), having that on your record would be a way bigger problem for you than for most people. If I were you (an incredibly reckless version), I'd wear a wig (obviously), go for the dive bar (no kids around), lock the door ("What if someone wants to watch?" THEY DON'T), and hope you're not in a place full of squaaaaaares, maaan. I'm legally obligated to say that the only way you can make sure you don't get yourself into trouble is to not have sex in public, but they also tell kids in some states not to have sex to prevent pregnancy, and that's where MTV goes to cast "16 and Pregnant," so let's not lie to each other. Pick place where most people are already making bad choices (cash-only bars after midnight, Cancun in March, Bonnaroo) and weave your own into the grand tapestry. Good luck.

Dr. D:  Most of the time, people who have sex in public do not get caught. But every now and then people do get caught. If the public sex place is in the vicinity of a school or daycare or kids' park, that could be particularly problematic and - yes - sometimes people do get charged with very scary things. I am not a lawyer and cannot advise you on the legal risks of public nudity or sex in public except to say that the risks are indeed real. Some people have sex in their car in out of the way places, especially if it's dark, and others have so-called public sex in a bathroom of an adults-only club. I can't tell you how or where to do it, but one option is you keep this as a fantasy, and another option is that you find a place that feels less risky to you.


Shaving the Starfish


About a year ago an ex's co-worker was telling me a story about how she 'shaved her butthole and then later felt INCREDIBLE pain, couldn't sit down and had to go to the doctor to get something punctured/drained.' I seriously think about this story all the time because it freaks me out and I won't WebMD it because I feel like that'd take me down an even bigger rabbit hole. I guess my question is, what is this mystery injury she had and how do I prevent myself from ever having whatever it is?" - Anonymous, from Tumblr


S: There's a reason I am the only member of my family who is not a train medical professional. When I read this question, I sucked in a horror gasp like a free diver breaching the surface after emerging from the Mariana Trench. Sweet Shaven Baby Jesus, did she do it so, so, so wrong. While I'll leave the diagnosis to the expert, I can, as a former beauty professional, advise you on the proper way to shave your nethers. First of all, get it warm and very wet - I recommend a bath to get the hair follicle nice and soft.. Exfoliate with a pair of spa gloves or a sugar scrub, which will help prevent ingrown hairs (which sometimes get infected and....see above). Then, use a new blade and only one or two passes to whisk away the hair with a generous layer of cheap hair conditioner or coconut oil. (Trust me here, ladies and gents: there ain't a closer shave on the face of the earth than with these two.) Also, there's usually only hair around the hole in question, so there's no need for the blade to make any contact with the ol' balloon knot. If you're nervous, leave it in the hands of professionals and fork over the cash for a wax. It really doesn't hurt that bad, and it's quick.

Dr. D: It's impossible to know what a friend of a friend was diagnosed with, especially with not much to go on. She may have had some kind of infected hair follicle (the anal area isn't exactly super easy to keep clean, given that it has a job to do and, as they say, "everybody poops"). Or a cyst of some sort. Maybe she had hemorrhoids and irritated them. In any case, I am not sure what all the fuss is about hairs around the anus. Everyone has them. They are normally not so long or bushy as to get in the way of anything fecal or sexual. If they are, one can trim them. If you can be super duper careful with a razor, that's an option. Or you could get your anal area waxed at a salon which would leave you with longer lasting results and wouldn't involve getting a sharp blade anywhere near your anal opening. Another option is laser hair removal, which is more of a long-term reduction than long-term total removal. Or you can just accept that you've got anal area hairs like everyone else and move on. 

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