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Sunday, February 5, 2012

Red carpet diary: NFL Honors

Posted By on Sun, Feb 5, 2012 at 11:02 AM

Billy Baldwin on the NFL Honors carpet.
2:07: Commence getting ready for NFL Honors.

2:34: Sustain self-inflicted injury during coiffure-related activities (thumbnail to earlobe; light bleeding).

2:49: Zip into red Calvin Klein dress, purchased for $17 at local second-hand shop.

2:52: Waltz into living room, where boyfriend and two friends are watching rugby. "Hubba-hubba"-type noises ensue.

3:01: Depart for Murat Theatre. Nearly in collision en route.

3:27: Arrive at theatre. Discover that position on red carpet is essentially Siberia.

3:29: Pass by stations for Access Hollywood and E! Wonder if Joan Rivers is here. Sincerely hope so.

3:32: Compare outfit with that of other members of press. Realize that although outfit was dirt cheap, I am terribly overdressed. Decide to pretend I'm going somewhere EVEN BETTER after this event is over.

3:41: Notice there is no water available for media. Become instantly thirsty.

3:57: Watch hordes of helpers fuss over NFL Network host lady. Wonder if I had such support if I, too, could look very sparkly. Also wonder about her daily caloric intake.

4:00: Red carpet officially open for business.

4:07: Wonder if Ryan Gosling will be on red carpet. Just in case, make sign that says "Hey girl, I'd rather be honoring YOU" in the hopes that he will be photographed with it.

4:10: First passers-by on red carpet. Have no idea who they are. Take their picture anyway.

4:12: Observe several women wearing very impressive shoes. Assume they are dominatrices.

Archie Manning
4:15: First recognizable person! Archie Manning, father of Peyton and Eli, ambles by.

4:24: Spot player with best name ever: D'Brickashaw Ferguson.

4:44: Jerry Rice talks to media guy next to me. Decide to latch on to said media guy like grim death.

4:50: Notice that Jeff Saturday looks sort of odd when not in crouch stance.

4:56: Joe Montana! Joe Montana! Hey! It's Joe Montana! Hey! Joe! Over here! Joe! Joe? Here? No? Okay.

5:01: Realize the real Joe Namath looks very much like the animated Joe Namath in that Simpsons episode.

5:07: Troy Aikman talks to media guy right next to me. Reaffirm my commitment to said media guy.

5:11: Emanuelle Chriqui from Entourage gives us some love. And now, for the very first time, I know who Emanuelle Chriqui is.

5:16: Jerry Rice is back! He came back for us! I decide that I love him.

5:18: Alec Baldwin passes by, but from the opposite direction, so all I see is his back. Disappointed. Wanted to challenge him to a game of Words with Friends.

5:19: Become irritated with TV lady across from me, who asks everyone who comes through for a picture with her, whether she knows who they are or not. Vow to NEVER ask anyone for a photo with me. So unprofessional!

5:20: Jon Hamm! Jon Hamm! Oh my God, it's Jon Hamm! Jon! Can I have a photo?

5:21: Set aside principles for photo with Jon Hamm. He asks my name. I tell him it's Kate. He shakes my hand and looks searchingly into my eyes before being pulled away.

5:22: Girl next to me observes Jon Hamm smelled like vodka. I say this is a good thing, as my chances with him will certainly increase if his judgment is impaired.

5:28: Photograph Billy Baldwin, even though he is clearly the lesser Baldwin.

5:34: Expect Dwight Freeney to do a spin move. He does not.

5:36: No love from Tim Tebow. Assume he senses my religious confusion.

Jim and Monique Brown

5:40: Greg Ballard, followed by Mitch Daniels. Mitch asks guy next to me if there's anything Hoosiers can do to make his stay better. I say, "Veto Right to Work." But only in my mind.

5:41: Develop slight crush on New Orleans coach Sean Payton. Realize this is indication of my own advanced age.

5:45: Former San Francisco 49ers quarterback Steve Young with his two boys causes all women working red carpet to assess their own relationships.

5:46: Lenny Kravitz! Lenny Kravitz! Hey! It's Lenny Kravitz! Hey! Lenny! Over Here! Lenny! Lenny? Here? No? Okay.

5:49: Legend Jim Brown, with his spectacular wife, Monique. "You look beautiful," I say, and she thanks me warmly, like she really means it. Pretty sure have found new best friend.

5:51: Colts owner Jim Irsay takes break from tweeting to walk red carpet.

5:53: Informed that red carpet is officially over. Tally up who I did not see: Katy Perry, Jimmy Fallon, Peyton Manning, Eli Manning, Tom Brady, and Gisele. And, sadly, Ryan Gosling.

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